Between sleep and awake, where you still remember your dreams is where I was comfortably resting my eyes as a laid on my well worn yet still comfy couch. When I say worn I mean this was a hand me down of a hand me down of yet another hand me down couch that was bought at a second hand shop. I can only imagine what a C.S.I.'s black light could have found on that couch. If there was ever a unsolved crime that needed DNA evidence to have the case reopened and solved I can almost guarantee they could find it on this old couch form the amount of people that used it. As I laid on this DNA soaked couch and enjoying the fantasies my creative dreams were conjuring I was suddenly awoken by the pounding on my apartment door. "Why? Why can't I get 5 fucking minutes of rest? I just want to be in my dreams a couple of minutes to escape my reality, for they are a million times better than my real life. How do I know this? Because in my dreams no one is pounding on my God damn door that's how I know!" I muttered to myself as I walked to the door to see who was now off my Christmas list. I opened the door to see who was there but there was nobody there 'Did I dream someone was pounding on the door, well that sucks' I thought.
" HEY ASSHOLE!" was yelled from my jackass of a friend Scott as he jumped from just out of my sight to now just inches in front of me. When I say jackass think Kramer from the TV show Seinfeld and Stifler from the American Pie movies had a love child and you would about 50% of the way there. "Hey" I answered back with little enthusiasm. "Aw, don't sound so happy to see me, jeez even when I brought you a gift" Scott said as he let himself in and plumped his lanky body on the couch. " I'm sorry I'm just tired, I was just falling into a deep sleep as knocked on the door" I explained.
I then sat down on the chair that no-one ever wanted to sit on but since numb nuts was scrolled over the couch I was forced to sit on what I can only assumed was some kind of torture chair from World War II and Hitler himself said "now that's just cruel get rid of it" and they tried to send it back to Hell but even the devil himself said "get that piece of shit out of here, I might be the devil but no-one deserves to sit on that." So now I'm the lucky owner of the chair that the devil and Hitler thought was "Evil" and I know what you're thinking "Why even keep it if it's so uncomfortable"? You obviously don't understand the lack of will power of the super lazy procrastinator. Yep this chair will sit here until I move or die what ever comes first and I fear that the chair will somehow in some way or another be the cause of my death. Now as I sit in this "chair" and ponder what gift Scott could have possibly gotten me as he's more broke than I. "So, cock-knocker! Do you want your gift or what? he asked. Scott's gift for getting to the point was unmatched and I will say ( sarcastically) that he had a incredible gift for speech, his vocabulary was amazing, he was a modern day poet, a wordsmith if you will.
"Sure, hit me. What did you get me? I asked with hesitation. Scott then pulled out a small piece of paper and folded it into the second worse paper airplane I have ever seen and so ungracefully chucked it at me. I picked up and began to unfold his abomination of a paper airplane. Once unfolded, I could see he so thoughtfully had gotten me a coupon, a frigging coupon. "It's a coupon" he said with utter joy like the kind of joy when he had just found a girl drunk enough to let him touch her boob under the shirt. "Yeah it is" I answered back with fake enthusiasm . "It's a buy one get one free ice cream Motha Fucka, free fucking ice cream yo!" he again joyfully explained, and again I concurred it was indeed a coupon "That's awesome!" I said but as I examined it closer I noticed it also expires today "You know this expires today? I asked "Duh! that's why I came over today, so we could get our ice cream on. So get your sorry ass out of that broke ass chair and let's go get some ICEEEE CREAMMM Yo!" he said with this horrible hood/gang accent. I sat there for a second and thought about what could go wrong because with Scott something always does he's like his own Murphy's Law 'Anything at all can and does happen' and with Scott not for the better. I couldn't think of what bad could come of getting ice cream, mostly because I was too tired " OK, let's get some ice cream" I answered back with what I'm sure would be delayed regret.
"Awesome! OK! I want the chocolate vanilla swirl" he stated as though I was doing an ice cream run now. "Well you're coming with me right!?" I questioned "I mean it's buy one and get one free and since you said it was a gift for ME....." I tried to explain as I was interrupted "Oh, I don't have any money, so I figured you would get what ever one you wanted and you could use the coupon to get me a chocolate and vanilla swirl" the buffoon explained. "Ummm.... No! That's not how a gift works! And I'm not driving down by myself to pay for my own ice cream and bring you back one" I tried to say as calm as I could but again interrupted "Chocolate / vanilla swirl" he again stated to assure me of the frigging flavor and continued to plead his case "You know that I'm broke, and I really, really, really want an ice cream....pleaseeee Eddddy" he said with pitiful impersonation of 'Roger Rabbit' that was even worse than his gang accent. Having gone down this road before and knowing how the conversation was going to end I decided to give in early. "Fine! Fine, I'll get my ice cream and use the coupon to get your god damn ice cream . " "Chocolate / vanilla swirl" again he had to say it like either I was retarded or he was, I couldn't tell "Yeah, yes Chocolate Vanilla Jesus! And you are coming I'm not your servant" I said it, I and only I said those last words and it was going to be only I who was to blame if anything went wrong. Because I could have just as easily have gotten the ice cream on my own and known there wouldn't have be any problems but no I'm an idiot.
"Awesome! So you're driving?" he asked " I guess? " I answered back because I thought I just went over this. "I call driver seat!" he stated "Wait! What? You can't call call driver seat like shoot gun!" I then stated back. "You can and I did! I get to drive" he said with confidence. "The hell you are!" I explained with somewhat confidence. "Oh man, come on, I haven't driven in so long, I hate being broke and taking the bus all the time. Hook a brother up, come on , come on .....come onnnn Commmme Onnnnn!" he begged. "I know with every bone in my body I will regret this but fine if it will shut you up" I said with the thought that this could be my last day on earth but on a happier note it looks as though the chair won't have anything to do with my death after all but instead I will die in a horrible car accident.
Scott jumped up and headed right for the door and turned around with his hands forming a cup in front of his chest and questioned my sportsmanship with the simple words "toss me the keys." I grabbed the keys off the coffee table and chucked them at him only to miss his hand cup by a mile and half and put nice key shaped hole in the worlds cheapest dry wall "FUCK!" is all I could conjure. This was not a great start, this was a sign and it was not going to end well and Scott didn't help the situation any as he stood there laughing hysterically at me. "Shut up! or you don't get to drive and we won't get any ice cream for that matter, " He shut up but it took all that he had to hold it in.
So with a new hole in the wall and $4.57 in my pocket I sat in the passenger seat thinking how many people would show up at my funeral and what they might say? It was hard to complete those thoughts as I sat there holding on for dear life. It wasn't that Scott was a bad driver, in fact he was a very good driver. I might say a near perfect driver but it was I that wasn't a great passenger and I never felt save as a passenger because I wasn't in control. Scott, being Scott he liked to push the car to it's limits and he liked to practice driving maneuvers that were only seen in the movies and yet somehow not being a trained stuntman he always pulled them off flawlessly.
As we began to pull into the parking at a speed in which would cause me to buy new underwear and at and angle I didn't think we could make at those speeds he pulled on the e-brake and the car drifted around the curb and we lined right up to the entrance of the lot for the fast food joint that we had the coupon for. We however were still going at a speed that was causing me to second think my religious beliefs. Scott had somehow decided to use this accupied parking lot as his new stunt driving track he this lap after lap untill he was able to find the last spot in the parking lot he pumped t he gas , shifted hard and pulled the e-brake again and spun us right around and we came to a stop right in the last spot without diying. It was awesome! It was cool! It was like I was in the 'The Fast and the Furious' don't get me wrong my balls shriveled up because they were more than a little scared but it was fun! A shit load of fun.
Not being a mind reader I don't beleive it was as much fun for the guy in the another car he almost hit and defently cut off to get the last parking spot. In fact I'm pretty sure I don't have to be a mind reader to know that guy was pissed. I could tell simply by the fact that when we got out of the car to go inside the restaurant to get our delicious ice cream the other driver rolled down his window to ask us or more specifically Scott a question. To the best of my memory, I believe, I recall the conversation went a little like this :
Guy
"Hey asshole!"
Scott turned around and pointed to himself
Guy
"Yeah! You asshole! Where did you learn to drive?"
Now this is where I, a sensible person would have apologized but Scott was anything but
Scott
"From your wife, but she was blowing me at the time so I wasn't really paying that much attention."
This is when I decided that it might be better to just sit back in the car
Guy
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY !!!"
Scott
"I said your wife gives good head but shitty driving lessons"
Yep, time to get back in the car and maybe, just maybe lock the door
Guy
"My wife is dead you son of a bitch"
This is when the man opened the door to get out and we saw that he must have taken all the steroids that were ever created in the last 10 year , now I didn't say a lot of steroids, I said all of them! Even tough I was in the car with the door locked my ass was puckering so tight with fear if I tried to fart I would explode.
Scott
"No shit Sherlock, I was there when it happened, she choked to death on my dick! Just ask the other 8 guys that were there, they saw the whole thing. She did put up a good effort tough. I guess my dick was just too much for her to handle, but what a trooper I tell ya, she didn't even try to tap out or anything."
This all happen back when you had to buy minutes for your cell phone and I didn't have anymore minutes left but I still needed to make a call, a call to 911 because I think I was having a heart attack.
Guy
"I am going to rip you a new one, I will tear you apart."
As he said this he started to flex with anger and what I thought were large muscles before when he was just " upset" I was grossly mistaken by this display of pure testosterone pumping in his veins and his muscles now 3 times the size they were before. I was going to die getting ice cream, this was my fate.
Scott
"Hey that's just what the guys and I did to your wife just before she choked on my cock"
The guy started to get closer and closer to Scott and Scott just stood there and didn't move and inch. I was about to watch my friend die by fist in the parking lot. The guy pulled his arm back with all the the juice pumping in his hulk of a body and just as I was about to witness a man punch a fist through another man's head a voice cried out, a soft gentle voice of a child.
Child
"Dad , daddy can we get ice cream please !!!"
The guy just stood there standing inches away from Scott with his nostrils flaring like and angry bull ready to charge but then something magical happened just like the Christmas miracle in 'How the Grinch stole Christmas' the man turned around and walked back to his car got in and turned into a now available parking spot, parked his car and took his daughter in for ice cream.
And then you could hear what sounded like air escaping from the opening of a tight balloon, it was my ass opening up an letting out a sigh of relief . I turned to Scott who was standing there like a dear in head lights, like a paralyzed idiot and says ...... " I could have taken him"
"Seriously? Scott"
We never got ice cream that day in fact neither one of us have spoken about this until just know.
By : Casey Chourney
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