Why I cry

           There is a saying and it goes as such : "People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long". I know that people have looked at me as weak or judged me some way or another and believe me I wish I could turn off the overwhelming emotion that causes me to cry. Now it's not like I sit here every night cry to myself but if I have to tell someone that I care about thank-you it's hard for me it's like 'The Fonz' trying to mutter the words "sorry" in 'The Happy Days'.


 When I try to express an emotion an honest feeling about something it starts off fine then I over think it and the tears come out, only my closest friends and family have seen my stupid water works and I know it's mostly me over worrying about how they will react to what ever feeling I'm trying to express to them, usually it's gratitude and pure thanks for something they've done for me. Or sometime it's my worrying about that person's struggle they are going through big or small and I guess it just hits me and I feel helpless that I can't help them in someway so I feel sorry and cry.

I know it hasn't always been this way, not at all. A long time ago but only if you measure in terms of years we moved away while I was part way through grade ten and at the mid point of my 'Wonder Years' and this move was about to turn my world upside down. When I was really young,around the ages of  four through ten we moved around a lot and I guess it was fine as I was too young to really care or know that people don't always move that they can set their roots down and grow long lasting friendships and see their extended family on a regular basis. It wasn't until we moved to Brighton during the first stages of my " Wonder Years"; I'm sure you remember that moment in time when you start to figure out what you like whether it be sports, movies, music that girls aren't so icky like they were a year or so ago. You begin to think "hey this is an ok place to be" and I don't mean the location or town itself but the moment in your life were you are forming friends based on common interests rather than just play dates or classroom recess. Friends that you want to hang with on the weekend, that you will ride your crappy one speed bike a million miles ( at least it felt like a million miles ) to go see and do what ever you felt like doing, like going to the park to explore, riding our crappy bikes another million miles to the beach, building forts, it didn't friggin' matter because you were having fun with your friends without adult supervision.  Oh and if our parents only knew what we were doing or how many times we came close to killing ourselves, lets just say I would still be grounded. These were the friends that we would form our greatest bonds with, these after all were my Band of Brothers and together we were unstoppable, at least in our little world. And this world was about to be taken away from me forever and change me for a long, long time.

Before I get to' the move' I will say that I was a little bit of a shy kid, sometime very  much so and other times not as much. When we moved to Brighton it took a little while to come out of my shell and I guess we can all become a little like Goldilocks at first just trying out different friendships to see which one feels the best. Not being a "jock" per say I fit right in with the "freaks and geeks" but because of my humor it allowed me to cross over to the "jock" side every once and again but it just didn't feel right and back to the "freak and geeks" I went because it was home it was where I felt happy. These were the guys that didn't make fun of me and I them. So when my body decided that it wanted to create all the acne that was supposed to be spread out equally amongst all the students in all the classes of grade nine and not just all for me; let me just tell you this was not a good mix for a sometimes shy person that was already teased and bullied because he was a geek and that he wasn't great at sports. I didn't need the extra attention let alone the extra teasing and bullying. I'm not sure what acne world record my body was trying to win "the most pimples per square inch" award or "the largest actual size of each pimple" because I'm sure if you look in the Guinness World Record book you will see that I hold the record for both.....awesome! stupid body, just awesome! Thank-you ever some much. The only releif I had was the comfort and sanction of my home and again my friends who didn't care about my acne they just wanted to watch Star Wars or Indiana Jones and play video games.

When the move to leave Brighton hit, and for me it came out of nowhere, it hit me hard. I sure as shit didn't want to move, this was the place that we had lived the longest, this is where my friends were, this is where the cute girl with the dark curly hair lived, this was my fucking home! I don't want to move! Please! Please! Please! I don't want to move now just as I learned to somewhat function at school and deal with the teasing because I was able battle the bullies a bit with my humor and show them that I was still that "funny Casey" behind this mask of acne. I didn't want to start all over at new school, I didn't want to make new new friends , these were my friends and they are awesome, I don't need new ones,these ones aren't broken.  This was the real beginning of the tears, this is the moment that opened up the flood gates for all other future water works to come. My parents did a great job trying to comfort my and was even able to get  my aunt and uncle to take me in until I finished out the semester. So as the semester came to and end and I have to say goodbye to my friends and not look forward to a future I didn't want to go to but my bags were packed the family was already moved in and just waiting for me to join them. On my last day in high school in Brighton the drama class got to preform a play for the public school that I had written.  Oh yeah, did forget to mention that because I liked to make people laugh I of course liked the attention of preforming and took to drama class for it was one of the only places in high school I could find happiness, but it too had it's fair share of teasing and bullying because if you took Drama class you were gay, "so I guess Harrison Ford is gay too?" "um no he's a movie star fag" "well he took drama in school; and with that train of thought all the guys on TV and movie stars must be gay too?" "No they're famous" "so how do you think they became famous? they took a class to improve the skill they were good at, just like taking gym class to get better at a sport or music class to get better at music" but some how drama class was the exception to the rule, but anyways I was used to it now, it still bothered my and I didn't like it but I was used to it.  So on the last day we performed this fairy tale play I wrote and the kids loved it and just as I was getting ready the leave the class which also happened to be my  last class of the day this kid come up to me and asked if he could come back tomorrow to watch it again....thanks kid why don't you just give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice in it. This made  me even more upset because I felt that this little kid had opened my eyes to the possibility of being able to write more stories or a play or my God maybe a movie, but I was too sad to even think about it a moment more, I thanked the kid and left the class and looked back one last time. As I  boarded the bus to take me  to my new home  and what I could only imagine would surely be a holy hell of a new school, I thought I would never feel the joy again of  seeing something I wrote come to life , that my words would never make someone else laugh and that I would never make friends like the ones I made in Brighton.

At this new school I didn't even want to make any "new" friends in fear that we would move again and I feared that this fragile heart couldn't handle saying goodbye again. That was a problem I didn't have worry about at all  as the bullies at this school  were even worse than the worse one at Brighton these kids were so bad that every lunch I would just hide out in the library and just read books about how movies were made but soon they found out that I was hanging out in the library and the teasing continued.  I needed to find a new hiding place and soon so I did. I had found that there was a set of stairs near the gym that had a closed off storage like Harry Potter's bedroom under the stairs but the bitch, she be locked, but not for long for I had nothing but time on my hands and soon enough I learned how to pick the lock and that became my new hideout while at my new school.

Day in and day out this is where you could find me before class, at lunch and during my spare class.  I kind of felt like Bastian from "The Neverending Story" only I wasn't trying to save world of Fantasia from the "Nothing" or from the "sadness" I was trying to save myself. Then one magical glorious day it happened, it happened again I was told we were moving again but this time you couldn't get me out of this town fast enough I would go anywhere but stay here.  I needed to get away from the teasing the bullying from this ass of a of school and my crappy job. But where we moving? please say Brighton please for all that is good in this world say Brighton ....Picton? No, you heard me wrong I said Brighton but as it would turn out  my parents decided that it was just better to move to our hometown, to where  we were from, where we had family. Ok, ok  just get me the hell out of this town and they did and me moved but I still had this uneasy feeling that I shouldn't make and friends in case we moved again so this is where the bond between my brothers and I grew because they were into the same things that I was into regardless of the age difference and I had no fear of them moving away. (But "A Brother's Bond" is a different story)

 Life in Picton was hard at first and back to the library for lunch I went.   As time went on and it seamed like we were going to be staying here a little longer than that last hell hole we were in I began to warm up to a few new friends and they were "like" my old friends but still not them not the full replacement but damn near close enough.  All I could think was "we better not move again, please not again"  and so far so good are roots seamed to be taking. Now life wasn't perfect for me in Picton either but my new friends made it easier week after week and month after month and soon year after year. The years of constant teasing and endless bullying had taken it's toll and all by destroyed my self esteem and self confidence, it had also made me put up huge walls that sat behind was still a very still  shy person . Yet for some odd reason preforming a skit or on stage I found happiness because I was in control. I was making people laugh which allowed the walls to come down and let people see the real me. For some people the thought of being in front of a group of people and doing a speech is worse than death itself, don't get me wrong, I hate doing anything in front of a group that I have now control over so doing an assignment and having to read it in front of the class was a living hell but doing a skit or reading something  funny I wrote in front of the class was fine. It was the one on one or small group situations is where I hated to be.  It's where I had to make eye contact, again after years of teasing over my acne the last thing I wanted to do was look someone eye to eye because all I would think to myself was they are looking are my scars and are judging me.  As person with low self esteem and no confidence I was still an easy target for teasing,  if only they just knew I wanted to be more out going and be more friendly but I just feared of getting to close losing them as friends again, so the teasing still continued even though my face had cleared up mostly but now left with scars.  The teasing now was mostly for me being shy which was mistake for being gay, I always heard it behind my back, but because I wasn't dating someone of course I must be gay, how the hell does shy equal being gay? I wanted to date lots of women in high school, I had a ton of crushes I still have feeling I still have wants but it takes all the courage in the world for a shy person to ask a girl out. So I ended up only having a couple of girlfriends in high school.  I wish there were more girls that I was able to date or that  if some that I was able to build up enough nerve had said yes, I wish I had found my 'Winnie Cooper' as I was winding out that last moments of my 'Wonder Years' but I didn't and I can't change the past.

Even as became an adult I still couldn't escape people teasing me and thinking I was gay because I was shy, I know people I thought were my friends, Jesus I'm sure even some extended family members still think i because it's much easier to judge someone rather than to getting to know them.  I'm amazed of all the people that must have went to law school and spent all that time and money to become lawyers and then become Judges when it would be so much easier to just just ask a person out for coffee, a movie, watch a sports game and then get to know that person you would find out that maybe just maybe they're not the person you were so easy to judge or assumed you thought you knew all about them.

As I grew older and knew it was better to surround myself around positive people and people who wanted to hang out with me life began to get better and all almost all the teasing had gone away because the people who had teased and bullied me finally matured but don't get me wrong there are still assholes out there but they have I have no need for them and don't matter to me.   Over all these years I had built up some thick skin, scarred yet thick skin still sitting behind a huge wall but now I could start to live my life with out teasing and hopefully slowly tear down the wall and open my self up to others.  When this happens when I do let you in my world and me in yours I grateful and this is what triggers the tears again this simple act of wanting to be my friend and liking me even though I've had my self esteem destroyed and my self confidence is FUBARed, I don't know how to express thank-you other then shedding a tear
 ....this, this is why I cry.

Casey Chourney

p.s.
As I know my mother will read this I'm sure she will think I'm venting or that I'm mad about my childhood but I assure you I'm not this is just a memory that I'm sharing. We all go through tough times and it's what makes us who we are. I wouldn't change a thing from by childhood because I was loved and that's all I needed to get through the day.

p.s.s
So my parents ended up moving from Picton back to Brighton and then  back to Picton again. By this time I was a grown man and moved on, but still close to home.  For anyone younger that might read this and is going through some tough times from be teased and bullied I can tell you that sometimes kids do suck, but not all of them.  Find your true friends and don't let the kids who don't matter bother you. It will get better even if it takes awhile  I promise it will get better . I found that if you can turn the situation around or start the jokes first and show that it doesn't bother you  I assure the bullies will go away, another one might come in his place but you just learned how to beat the last one and you can do it can as many times as it takes to let all the bullies know that they have no power over you. As hard as it might seem to do I promise it's ok to talk to you parents even though I didn't I know that I could have if I thought I needed to and  you know what it is ok to cry it doesn't mean you're weak it just means you been strong too long.

And to the little boy who liked the play and wanted to watch it again .....Thank you .